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Premium Member
8,665 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·


5,900 Posts
I heard it on Ray D'Arcy the other day, excellent, I'll try to find it!



Premium Member
8,665 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Excellent Richie


307 Posts
more humour...
Not the most politically correct but very very funny

Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded

Q: What's blue and ****s old people?
A: Hypothermia

Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?
A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her

Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is ****ing

Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in
A: They don't ****ing listen.

Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhoea

Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an
irritating **** once in a while too.

Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
A. She rolls her own tampons.

Q. whats the difference between your girlfriend and a sheep?
A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.

Q. What's the difference between acne and a Michael Jackson?
A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13!

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.

Q. What do you get when you cross two black people?
A. Your ass kicked.

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty
miles an hour.

Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A. The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A. You know she'll swallow.

Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A. They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...

Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis,it's not time.

Q. Do you know how Aussies practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

295 Posts
Pat Shortt - Words of wisdom


Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always
circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the
garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of
the stain and check that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to
the object you wish to view.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but
you'll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king
thing in the first place, you fat b*stard.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cake again.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by
running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next
*** from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak
or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know
the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your roof.

Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car
before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems
anyway, so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by
banging your feet twice on each stair

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer
Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date.
All he's interested in is seeing you starkers.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to
'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up
liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping
trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Stephen's Day. They may
find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

M-Tech 318is coupe
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